Friday, June 29, 2018

A Rant: Ugly on Porpoise

Coffee Brake: I used to think that Tesla built the ugliest SUV on the planet with its 2015 release of the Model X because it was just ugly enough to steal the prize from the long time winning Honda Crosstour.  The Model X looks like a perfect combination of the Model S and a bloated whale carcass, and it was the winner of the S.U.V. (Super Ugly Vehicle) prize until I spied something in traffic that caught my eye like a festering gangrenous middle finger on a cellist.  I winced like I'd just noticed a half eaten clump of short 'n' curly hair in my fish taco -- and my pyloric valve sealed shut like an airlock on the International Space Station. They call it a coupe, but the Mercedes-Benz GLE Coupe is neither a coupe nor a car..tis a monstrosity that belongs in Davy Jones' locker.


I just want to know who in the design department at Benz looked at the vehicle and signed the final checkoff list that say "yes, this is done".  The car that stood out in traffic like a normal person at Comic Con in light So Cal traffic was the AMG GLE63 version and the stupid performance didn't do much to change the fact that it is as ugly as a mud fence.  It isn't surprising that it comes from the company that put Kia taillights on the what was the world's "I've made it" status symbol (the E-Class), but that was back in the dark times of the unholy Daimler-Chrysler merger. Today's Mercedes-Benz makes good looking (albeit conservatively styled) daily drivers like the SL-Class, but that GLE Coupe is just plain ole ugly.  Uggg.

Keep your whale carcass off my lawn.


6 comments:

  1. I always thought this suffered from the pregnant guppy design direction as well.
    [image src="http://www.bosakhondahighland.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/2012-Honda-Crosstour-31.jpg" width="400px"/]

    The 1st gen Porch Panamera as well

    ReplyDelete
  2. The Model X looks like a Pontiac Aztek had sex with an orthopedic shoe.

    Thank you. I'll be here all night. Tip your server!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Not much turns my stomach more than a poorly maintained mid 2000s Mercedes R class with front wheels full of brake dust. MPV (multi-purpose vehicle) they called it. They were thrown out of auto design's ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down

    ReplyDelete
  4. It boggles my mind that a typically-sighted person would walk into a dealership and say, "Right, I will have one of those."

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh man, he's just whaling on those ugly cars!
    What to do?
    well
    https://www.topgear.com/car-news/police-news-video-police-camera-harpoon-2009
    or this
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJEDOuMwkyk

    or

    [image src="https://i1.wp.com/www.willitwasteland.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/DSC_3362.jpg"width="400px"/]

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm sorry, but the AMG GLE is beautiful. You must be high. :)

    ReplyDelete

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