by Kevin -- First off, just look at this thing. What are those, 12 inch wheels? Ask any first-grader to draw a car and they will give you something more exciting than this. It’s so boring, it couldn’t entertain a thought. It’s fitting that such a sad looking car would also have a sad little engine. 200 cubic inches of despair. Bolted to a 3 speed automatic to suck out whatever life it may have had in it. I hope the original owner got a 36 month prescription of Prozac to go with his payment book. Click at your own risk: 1980 Ford Fairmont 2 Door Sedan offered for $4,500 in Earlysville, VA via craigslist.
Look at the shut lines on that door. Best case, it’s been wrecked and re-assembled in the seller’s driveway. It’s more likely that it rolled down the line that way and nobody gave damn. Why would they? Look at that thing! It’s like Ford was trying to build an American Lada. Speaking of Soviet styling and build quality, take a look at the “instrument cluster”.
There is so much going on in this picture. There are scales on either side of the fuel gauge. But no needles, no enumeration. You know why? Because you can’t afford extra needles and numbers, you miserable proletariat cockroach! Every time you look down you will be reminded of your place! The turn signal lever and whatever lever is behind it are both rusting. Seriously, what did they plate that with? The gear shift is holding up nicely though. It must have been accidentally double-dipped.
Now on to the seller. The dash top is covered with tool tray liner. What could possibly be under there, that the appearance is improved with this stuff? And the handy flossers! Ew! What, didn’t want to throw those away? Saving them for later? Saliva and plaque, the poor man’s Armor All! You are more likely to transfer the grot from the dash into your teeth than the other way around.
Lastly, this guy is only allowing test rides. Because we wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to such a rare, collectible car. You may not be able to handle all 91 horsepower. Find another ad that grinds your gears? firstname.lastname@example.org
“Kevin is an avid, but horrible golfer. He has an unusual fascination with T-tops and enjoys swimming with dolphins. Two of these things are true.”