Monday, October 20, 2014

5k: Instagra///M: 1991 BMW M5 E34

We could spend all day arguing the best way to get into an ///M badged car, but lets talk for a minute about instagram.  It isn't (as I had previously assumed) a powered form of graham cracker --not quite.  Instagram is a 13 person company worth a billion dollars (as of 2012) that is a platform for sharing photos that you have taken on your phone.  The process involves adding a number of style filters, the most common seems to be a vintage looking color filter that makes your otherwise crisp picture look like total crap. This is why I'm always telling people that web 2.0 needs to be banned.  Back in the day, to make a web page you needed to write your own HTML, navigate the treacherous world of telnet/FTP and generally be a pseudo hacker badass to create decent content.  Web 2.0 style sites, on the other hand, allow all sorts of no talent ass clowns the ability to post stuff and ruined the cluttered and clean look of mostly text webspaces (a few animated Beavis and Butthead gifs was okay).  Why does this E34 M5 look like it belongs in the 1960s?  Because instagram, that is why.  The car is a great deal, but the pictures make me want to drink bleach.  Find this 1991 BMW M5 E34 offered for $4,500 in Phoenix, AZ via craigslist. Tip from Fueltruck.

When this M5 was new, you'd probably never heard of the web.  Likely the closest you'd ever come to a web-like experience was waiting 3 days to down 44 disks of some horribly unplayable pirated game from a BBS called Ne[]nCat or fReAkz@ne.  Good times.  I knew a dude who could mimic that modem connection handshake sound to the point that other computers would start to send him data -- pssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhkkkkkkkkkkkkwwwwwwwwwwrrrrrrrweeeeEeeeeEEeee. 

The sound you heard over the speakerphone was the digital data being sent over the analog phone line, and that analog world meets digital technology couldn't be more perfect an analogy for the E34 M5.  The throttle pedal has a stiff feedback of the old world with six individual throttle bodies that feed air into the engine, but fuel injection is strictly a digital affair controlled by a Bosch Motronic computer.  A mechanical distributor was still available in 1991, but timing soon became a digital affair when it changed to coil on plug in 1992.  The 310 horsepower and 266 ft-lbs of torque from the 3.6 liter S38B36 inline-6 has a very old school feel at a boil, but a nice and easy modern feel around town.

The interior also combines a new-meets-old feel, with lots of complex electro-mechanical devices that add a million lbs to curb weight and require regular the seat motors

See another blast from the early 90s? Someone has to put an end to these image filters.


  1. Fleetwood T. BroughamOctober 20, 2014 at 6:14 AM

    The pictures may drive you nuts, but in my aging "get off my lawn" mind, it's the fact that text message shorthand has now found its way to numbers also, with 50% of craigslist postings not being able to simply state "the mileage is 223,000" or whatever it is. It's even worse when you're trying to filter by mileage and some guy with a 450,000 mile e28 535is puts "450" in the mileage column, giving you a brief glimmer of hope when you see it pop up post-filter.

  2. I hope the nuclear fallout from these pictures doesn't make it's way to California.

    This is actually a good deal if you think about what e30 M's are going for. Even with the miles and the title it is a good deal. All of the pre-Bangle M cars are collectable in my opinion.

    And yes, the incompetency with many car ads is stunning.

    1. The other thing I have seen is snapchat pictures to sell a car with captions like "bae needed a wash" and "I love my bae"
      Also lots of fingers covering license plates. No body wants to steal your crappy car.

  3. Geez at least the guy HAS pics, I would applaud his effort since CL nowadays is in a sad state of sellers inabilities. With that low a price there is a lot of fun things you could manage with this car and a few grand in the bank to use tinkering with it.

  4. I hear you re: picture filters like this. My buddy keeps showing me pictures of his house renovation with the damn sepia-toned instagrahamcracker filter on it... and he's my age! Makes me want to slap him.

    Re: the E34... love it but hate the salvage title and the seller's shade-balls "call me and I'll tell you" line. Wrong answer.


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